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I wish there were enough Kpins in the world to get you out of my head. I with there was enough anything to get you out of my head.

intoxication, is not a proper substitute for love, but I'm damn well trying to make that shoe fit.
It feels like there's a fucking freight train running into my chest.
or maybe I'm just...

today I bought American Spirits instead of my Camels because I thought it would be better for the potential "baby" possibly growing inside me right now as I type. Then I realized that I would be a horrible mother.

Come on negative.


I'm terrified that I may be pregnant. A week or so ago, a had a "one night stand" with a friend I've had a few one night stands with before. We didn't use protection, because quite frankly I've never been too great at caring about risks, even ones that I know are huge. I know it's far too early to really begin to worry, but it was the DAY before my ovulation [TMI I know] and I've been spending lots of time talking to the two pregnant girls at work, both of them have had children before and both of them told me that you KNOW, when it happens, you wake up the next day and just know. I think I may "just know". and I've been having these plaguing dreams where I have Scott's baby and honestly - I'm not sure what I'm going to do if this comes into fruition. I've known him a few years, he's a great guy - but he's been homeless for a few years, by choice. He had a horrible life, and yet he's happy. So none of us nag him too much for such a silly life choice. He's much more stable than alot of our friends, but I really worry if this is a responsibility he'd be willing to take.

My whole life I have said that if I got pregnant before I was ready, that I would terminate without a second thought, but now that this is creeping up on me, I honestly don't know if I could. Not his anyways. I worry that this fear is only because I'm slightly enamored with him. What about when he walks away from this? I do not want to resent my child forever. But most people I have talked to agree with me, that this may just be what he needs to find himself in life. Scott's always been great with children and I know he'd make a great father. He has better physical genetics than most men I've ever been with. but I'm only 18, I don't want to be a mother now, I don't think. I never did want to have children, I don't like them. But I think that maybe, if I am, I might like to keep it.
I've heard that having a child means making the decision to have your heart forever walk around outside of your body. I would like that. I just want something to love, I just don't know how good of a job I'd do.

I'm not sure if I'm hoping for this feeling to be true, or hoping for it not to be.

My brain is fucking killing me.

Selling my Soul

Orientation Day at McDonald's!

The last thing I need is another feline. Even a metaphorical one.
Gemini. Leo. Dynamite.
or so one would think.

I hate that you find me more beautiful than any other man ever has. I hate that you're more complimentary than any one else I've ever met. I hate that you want me, and that I know you love me so much more than I will ever be able to love you.

[and that you love my bony ankles and kiss my hips, and a million bajillion other things.]

I shouldn't be letting you do this. I should stop it.

but I really just want to push you around.
Finally, after 12 hours - I am back in my beloved KY. I have a cat, a huge scratch from said cat. And I have never been happier. Home. Home. Home.

So, I wasted 3 months of my life in a dead end state, I could never truly be in without the city

it was 'alright while it lasted'.

37 hours of sleep dep. many cups of coffee. and weed weed weed.

Writer's Block: Let me entertain you

Who is your personal choice for greatest singer of all time, and why?

THE INDIGO GIRLS, GUHHHHH. More Emily Saliers, but Amy Ray is just as beautiful. Emily's voice is just so much more pure, Amy's got all the fucking sex appeal in the world though.

Why? WHY? Have you never heard "Burn All The Letters" or "Collecting You"? Even fucking "Ghost". Everything they do brings me to tears, God, it's just so beautiful.

Walked outside for 5 fucking minutes to take my sister to the bus stop and when I got back my uncle had locked me out of the house. I banged on the door for 15 minutes before he realized it was me and let me in.

I hate drug addiction. It fucking destroys your brain. He's been up all night, dozing out periodically in the chair with random objects in his hands; coffee pot, yogurt, 7 tuna sandwiches.

I know you're my family, and I love you. But I can't wait to get out of this house, and get the fuck away from you.
I only love Louisiana when it's 7 a.m. and I'm drunk, alone, watching the sunrise over the lake.

It's beautiful in moments like those.

but I can't wait to be home. The Cincy skyline calls to me.